shades_eyes (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shades_eyes) wrote,@ 2005-09-27 10:03:00 |
|
A Gentlemen's Guide to getting laid at WLU by Zack Weinber
On my way to class this morning I noticed a big crowd of people outside The Cord. The Cord is Laurier's student newspaper, but me being half asleep at 8:20 in the morning and rushing to get to class, I didn't pay any attention to it. At 9:50 I come out of class and I see copies of The Cord lying around on the ground. There are people from the women's studies class in every building try to get females to sign this petition to screw this guy over. Apparantly he decided it would be "fun" to write an article about how the girls here at WLU like to put out. He won't write a retraction, he says it's just jokes and that us women should have a better sense of humour and be able to just brush it off. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. So without further ado heres the article:
A Gentleman's guide to getting laid at WLU
Fourth-year biology student Zack "Morris" Weinberg shares his expertise on the evolution of picking up girls at Laurier
There's no doubt about it: whether they are 17-years-old or approaching their mid twenties, the young women of Wilfrid Laurier University are promiscuous by nature.
A fourth-year biology student here at WLU, I have even experienced this myself on occasion. But why? I have no car. I have no money. I don't even buy my textbooks until late October. But I've had it all: one-night stands, flings, slings, long-distance, short-distance-you name it.
Having spent over three years on this campus, I've finally done enough field work to be qualified to give sound advice on picking up Laurier girls. What you're about to read cannot be found in any Maxim, Cosmo or Seventeen magazine. The secret is a year-by-year guide I like to call "Wilf's tricks-of-the-trade."
First year
You are underage, and you're sleeping five feet away from a guy who says he's from some plaec called Sarnia...whatever. You realize taking girls out to Yogen Fruz on your One-Card will only get you so far and that's why you went out and did what I did in first year: you dropped two-hundred bucks at the poster sale!
That's right, if I wanted to get action in first year, I just had to bust out the "Hey, come back to Little House and check out the cool posters i bought at the poster sale" line. (Works on every Arts girl, most BBA girls, and will make you the envy of every 17-year-old on campus.)
Second year
Second year was a little different. Girls no longer fell for the trust poster approach and my One-Card was clean out of alternative dollars. It was only natural that I advanced to the "go to FUBAR and hump anything with a pulse on the dance floor" approach.
The Wilfrid Laurier Law of Numberse (WLLN) states that, and I quote, "if you hump enough girls at FUBAR, one willalways take you home." Necessary WLLN precautions include '"double-bagging" and making sure you're boozed up enoigh so you won't delve into the realm of sobriety before your magical night ends.
Third year
This is the year that you realize young women have needs too. You will find you need to have something to offer -- something to give in return. While you must steer clear away of bribery, you will need to give the grl some 'incentive' to hook up with you. That's why this will be the year of "Come over for drinks at my house....I have Red Bull" approach and, one of my personal favourites, the "Wanna come over and get high after class?" approach. Feeling a little more conservative? Try the "Come over and watch the Pearl Jam DVD" method.
If you're still not working the bar scence, you should tru more tactical than th WLLN and recruit yourself a good Wingman. There's nothing more valuable than having a friend who's willing to slay the dragonw hile you get to score with the princess. Remember, it's common courtsey to buy your Wingman a stiff drink before leaving him on the battlefield.
Fourth year
With my four and final year underway, the enemy appears smart than ever. Though most of them have caught on to my devious sexual advances, the majority of my femal cohort has fallen completely helpless to the seventeen different coloured Lacoste shirts of mine.
Though I have had to change my approach from year to year, there's one thing that has never changed: in one way or another, Laurier girls put out.
This guy is a real ass. My room mate just got back from class and he's standing aorund and got some buddies handing out the Cord telling them all to read the great article he's written and if any guy needs help he's there to help him. WTF IS THIS??! Cracked out fucker! Now all the guys think this is soo hilarious -- the poster line got tried on my room mate. I woulda slapped the fucker. Gonna be one interesting day, especially when this week when I have to meet with my lab group for business to prepare for our case. It's me an this other girl and then 8 guys.
On my way to class this morning I noticed a big crowd of people outside The Cord. The Cord is Laurier's student newspaper, but me being half asleep at 8:20 in the morning and rushing to get to class, I didn't pay any attention to it. At 9:50 I come out of class and I see copies of The Cord lying around on the ground. There are people from the women's studies class in every building try to get females to sign this petition to screw this guy over. Apparantly he decided it would be "fun" to write an article about how the girls here at WLU like to put out. He won't write a retraction, he says it's just jokes and that us women should have a better sense of humour and be able to just brush it off. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. So without further ado heres the article:
A Gentleman's guide to getting laid at WLU
Fourth-year biology student Zack "Morris" Weinberg shares his expertise on the evolution of picking up girls at Laurier
There's no doubt about it: whether they are 17-years-old or approaching their mid twenties, the young women of Wilfrid Laurier University are promiscuous by nature.
A fourth-year biology student here at WLU, I have even experienced this myself on occasion. But why? I have no car. I have no money. I don't even buy my textbooks until late October. But I've had it all: one-night stands, flings, slings, long-distance, short-distance-you name it.
Having spent over three years on this campus, I've finally done enough field work to be qualified to give sound advice on picking up Laurier girls. What you're about to read cannot be found in any Maxim, Cosmo or Seventeen magazine. The secret is a year-by-year guide I like to call "Wilf's tricks-of-the-trade."
First year
You are underage, and you're sleeping five feet away from a guy who says he's from some plaec called Sarnia...whatever. You realize taking girls out to Yogen Fruz on your One-Card will only get you so far and that's why you went out and did what I did in first year: you dropped two-hundred bucks at the poster sale!
That's right, if I wanted to get action in first year, I just had to bust out the "Hey, come back to Little House and check out the cool posters i bought at the poster sale" line. (Works on every Arts girl, most BBA girls, and will make you the envy of every 17-year-old on campus.)
Second year
Second year was a little different. Girls no longer fell for the trust poster approach and my One-Card was clean out of alternative dollars. It was only natural that I advanced to the "go to FUBAR and hump anything with a pulse on the dance floor" approach.
The Wilfrid Laurier Law of Numberse (WLLN) states that, and I quote, "if you hump enough girls at FUBAR, one willalways take you home." Necessary WLLN precautions include '"double-bagging" and making sure you're boozed up enoigh so you won't delve into the realm of sobriety before your magical night ends.
Third year
This is the year that you realize young women have needs too. You will find you need to have something to offer -- something to give in return. While you must steer clear away of bribery, you will need to give the grl some 'incentive' to hook up with you. That's why this will be the year of "Come over for drinks at my house....I have Red Bull" approach and, one of my personal favourites, the "Wanna come over and get high after class?" approach. Feeling a little more conservative? Try the "Come over and watch the Pearl Jam DVD" method.
If you're still not working the bar scence, you should tru more tactical than th WLLN and recruit yourself a good Wingman. There's nothing more valuable than having a friend who's willing to slay the dragonw hile you get to score with the princess. Remember, it's common courtsey to buy your Wingman a stiff drink before leaving him on the battlefield.
Fourth year
With my four and final year underway, the enemy appears smart than ever. Though most of them have caught on to my devious sexual advances, the majority of my femal cohort has fallen completely helpless to the seventeen different coloured Lacoste shirts of mine.
Though I have had to change my approach from year to year, there's one thing that has never changed: in one way or another, Laurier girls put out.
This guy is a real ass. My room mate just got back from class and he's standing aorund and got some buddies handing out the Cord telling them all to read the great article he's written and if any guy needs help he's there to help him. WTF IS THIS??! Cracked out fucker! Now all the guys think this is soo hilarious -- the poster line got tried on my room mate. I woulda slapped the fucker. Gonna be one interesting day, especially when this week when I have to meet with my lab group for business to prepare for our case. It's me an this other girl and then 8 guys.
